

I’ve been having one of those weeks. My two year old is getting molars. My six year old has discovered the infuriating power of the eye roll. And I’ve been teetering on the edge of sanity. I thought I could benefit from a little pick me up, so I grabbed this book – Humor for a Mom’s Heart: Stories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart
– from the library. There are plenty of amusing anecdotes in this volume, but this excerpt made me laugh out loud. I thought you might like it, too.
Summer Commandments
by Joey Earl Horstman
You may freely climb of the climbing tree of the lawn; but of the other trees you may not climb. You may not climb of the apple tree or of the maple tree or of the cottonwood tree or of the willow tree, or of any of the bushes of the lawn, for in the day that you climb of them, they will die. Of all but the climbing tree you are forbidden. Lo, you will be tempted to climb of the other trees, but climb them not, nor hang from their limbs, nor strip the bark from their trunks. For my eyes will be open, and I will call unto you and you will be sorely afraid.
Bonk not your brother with the tennis racket, lest you be bonked. Again I say, bonk not. Though your brother’s head doth appear as a tennis ball, and his taunting has made you angry yea, even to the nth degree, bonk not his head with the racket, nor roll him down the hill when he does not want to roll, nor use him as second base, nor tie him to the fence post with your jump rope. He is your brother. Afflict him not.
Your friends will say unto you, “Leave your toys on the driveway and play in the lawn with us”; but I say to you leave not your toys in the driveway. Pick up in the garage that I may drive the minivan into it. Your roller skates and baseball bats, your Hotwheels cars and bicycles, yes, even your wagon, pick them up, I say, for do they not also have a selected place to be?
Keepest thou not the refrigerator door open, for that is an abomination to me. Decide what you want before the opening of it, be it juice of a pear or a carrot. If you cannot decide, and are sorely confused, open it not. Do not open the refrigerator door and then stare inside, for it is as if you stare inside for hours. Verily, I say unto you, “Am I made of money?”
Throw not the baseball at the picture window, nor the soccer ball, nor the basketball, nor the football, nor any ball of the air or rock of the ground. For the glass it doth break and shatter from it’s holding and causeth thy mother great suffering. Throw not and you shall not be thrown into time-out.
Tattle not on thy brother. Again I say, tattle not, for it is as if you tattle all the time. If your brother calls you out when you are safe, scream not for your father who art mowing, for he cannot hear you and has turned his face from you. If your brother squirts you with water when you do not wish to be squirted, ask of him that it shall not be done again, but leave your father in the peace that passeth your understanding.
Mumble not under your breath when you walk away from me. Neither whine, nor slam your bedroom door, nor throw your shoes across the living room even if you cannot have a cookie or cannot stay up past the appointed time of your bed. Why do you mumble so? Am I not your father, and can I not hear?
Eat not of the grass of the yard, nor of the dandelions, nor of any weeds we cannot identify and which will not depart from us. For doth not your parents feed you well and provide you with every good fruit and vegetable of the grocery store and garden? Ask and they will be given to you. But eat not of the grass, lest you be sick and being sick make thy brother sick as well.
Touch not the poison oak, nor the poison ivy, nor rub your face with it’s leaves, for it will afflict you for seven days and seven nights. Red will be the color of you skin and in Aveeno will you bathe.
Of the number of showers you must take in a week, the number shall be four, for I am a clean father. Do not shower three times and claim that it was four, nor shower twice and claim that it was four. Do not say that you have showered yesterday and need not shower today, for that is a lie and you are not yet good at it. Shower four times, and soak thy head with soap and clean thy body, yes, even under the arms, for thy skin perspires and drives me from you.
Wear not those pants with that shirt. For the colors they do clash. And the stripes do not conform to the plaid. It pleases me not and hurts mine eyes to look upon you. Wear your underwear clean, and do not change it several times a day so that you have no underwear at the end of the week. Seven times shall you change and the time of the changing will be morning.
Giggle not when you are supposed to be sleeping, no, not even if your brother tells a joke, for he is four and his jokes do not make sense anyway. Nor hidest thou Milk Duds under thy pillow to be eaten later, for the Duds they do melt and soil the sheet and the pillow case, yes, even thy hair. Sleep when it is time to sleep, and jump not on the bed, for it is as if you have ants in your pants. Your bed is bunked, and the ceiling is low, so jump not.
There is a time for everything, as you will know when you are wise: A time for playing on the playground and a time for feeding the dog; a time to be in the pool and a time to be on the land; a time to run and a time to sit still. Celebrate this time, for though the summer is long, it lasts not forever.
Filed under: OH! Says, OHHHmmm! by My OH! Momma
No Comments »